


Ryoma Hoshi: My 15 Reasons Why Not

by raydiamond



Category: Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe, Based on the Ultimate Talent Development Plan, Heavily inspired by 13 Reasons Why, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, school au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-03 05:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 5,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17278319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raydiamond/pseuds/raydiamond
Summary: A Danganronpa V3 / Ryoma Hoshi fanart/fanfiction project heavily inspired by '13 Reasons Why.'The story takes place in a School AU, where all the students from THH, SDR2 and V3 go to Hope's Peak Academy.





	1. Reason 1; My Roommate

By the time you're all reading this, I'll be in prison. Maybe it's better that way.

I never do things like this, I never write things down. Not about myself, anyway. But someone I care about told me it's a good way of expressing yourself when you can't speak up the words you'd otherwise want to be known. On a whim I started this, and I'm not going to stop before I get it all out.

I'm going back to prison soon, and once I get there I don't know if I'll ever get out. But I wouldn't be able to live there for the rest of my life knowing that I didn't give something back for the people that changed my life. All these memories and bonds I've made during these three years in Hope's Peak Academy showed me that I've still got a ways to go. And that it is not too late for me.

When I first started in Hope's Peak, it was just to escape the prison. If I had been given a chance to end my life, I would've taken it. No questions asked. But now I realize that there would've been people who wouldn't have wished me to take that chance. People who cared about me. This is a list of people that most affected to my choice of not doing something so uncool as to off myself. This is my 15 Reasons why not.

 

* * *

Reason 1; My Roommate

 

Let's start with the person I first talked to properly. My roommate was a teen boy from another class, and when I first laid my eyes on him I remember thinking; 'oh jeez, he'll be a pain.' He was, not just as much as another person I know. It didn't take much effort to get along, in the end. He was an athlete like myself, we hang around with other athletes all the time. I didn't take it as any other than a necessity for them to hang out with me, but when I confronted him about it he got offended.

Leon Kuwata.

You were the first one to tell me you really wanted to be my friend, that you weren't intimidated by my past. I told you you would be better off not knowing me, but you didn't listen. I'm glad you didn't. At that time I didn't understand your standpoint. But I'm beginning to now.

You dragged me over to every party you attended, you threw a couple in our room as well. Whether it was a school dance, a talent show, or just a hang out, you always dragged me along. I couldn't comprehend why you'd want someone like me trashing your image. But it wasn't me making you look bad. I thought it was, because I didn't think much of myself. But you didn't see me like that. You valued me so much more than I even dared to hope for.

I started to grow fond of your company, of the entirety of the group. You became my safety net. On many occasions, without you, I would've ended up in a dark place. Leon, you're one of my reasons not to end my life.

 


	2. Reason 2; My Relentless Peeve

Reason 2; My Relentless Peeve

 

I mentioned a person that's more of a pain than Leon Kuwata.

Kaito Momota. You're my relentless peeve.

There was this time during the first year when we had this sports day between classes. You asked me if I was going to attend. I was, at first, but after you asked me I told I had already promised to help Teruteru with a snack bar. That was a lie. You, who had talked to me about my career before and praised me, asked me now to take part in a sports day. It didn't sit right with me. On the said day, you went your way and faked an injury, so there wouldn't be any other chance than to get me play on your behalf. Yes, I know you faked it. But I'm glad you did, even if I was mad at you then. During the baseball game against Leon's class I remember feeling the euphoria I last felt when I played an honest game of tennis. Before I got my life ruined.

You bothered me a lot, you bugged me about my past, my future and everything. I tried to get rid of you, but you always returned.

You told me once that you would stop bothering me, but not before I stopped mistreating myself. There was no way you'd ever understand my pain. But you didn't try to understand it. You tried to help me set a new goal, dreams. Move forward and not have my eyes nailed to the past. I didn't get it then, or maybe I just didn't want to. You believed in me. It took me a long time, but I'm happy I finally understand why you kept coming back. You are a peeve, always will be. But that's fine. I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.

I hope you get to go to space soon.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check my Instagram for a better quality of the art! I'll try to get the rest look better!


	3. Reason 3; My Silver Lining

Reason 3; My Silver Lining

Gonta Gokuhara, you're my silver lining. It means that whenever I'm in a bad situation, you always find the good in them.

You kept me company outside of class very often. Whenever I was alone, you made sure to prove me wrong. It started when I defended you against some rude teens. You told me it was very brave of me to stand up against them, and that you're so very grateful for it. I said it wasn't a big deal, but it was for you. I didn't like you following me around at first, but I got used to it, to the point when you weren't there I felt kinda lost. At times when I was feeling bad I found myself peeking over my shoulder, expecting to find you there. You weren't always there, but it helped me to know you were someone I could turn to. I think it was me following you in the end...

You often say you aren't smart. You are. We all still got a ways to go, but you are a smart, most kindhearted person I have ever known. A person like myself, a killer, doesn't deserve your friendship and care. But still you stay. And I am thankful.

 


	4. Reason 4; My Distraction

Reason 4; My Distraction

 

I've come to learn that everyone needs to give themselves time to just calm down, sleep, take care of themselves. Everyone needs distractions from their worries and inner demons, or otherwise they'll tear you apart.

My distraction was Ibuki Mioda.

For two completely different beings, we were a 'power couple', as you used to call us. We gave people something to talk and wonder about. Occasionally we were mistook for a couple. It didn't bother me, because you never gave me a chance to reflect on my miserable, meaningless life. In your company I felt alive in a way I've never felt before. You never asked or demanded to talk about my past.

Actually, that's not true; you did once.

You wrote a song about me. 'Star Boy'. Nothing in the song was about me, but the same time everything was. No one else knew or realised it, because the words didn't point it out. Only one person could see through the words and noise and the six minute guitar solo.

Ibuki, you told me to write down my story. I gave you a very plain, quick wrap-up, which you made me unravel. You said it's a good thing to reflect on your life occasionally. You eyed the papers for a few seconds and wrote the song, without even giving the papers a second glance. So, you wrote a song about me, and didn't.

You told me if I ever found it hard to talk about something I should write it down. It's what I'm doing right now. If I wasn't doing this, these words would never be known.

Thank you.


	5. Reason 5; My Good Samaritan

Reason 5; My good Samaritan

 

I was more or less acquainted with everyone in my class. Most times I was with Gonta or Rantaro, but I did spent time with some of the girls now and again. But the girl I never thought I'd hang out with became a close friend of mine. At least from my side. Even if I was everything she had learned to avoid and fight against.

I'm talking about Tenko Chabashira.

You saw how I wasn't giving my best during PE, and you got frustrated because of it. You gave me your usual 'degenerate male' speech and how my attitude would ruin everything. I didn't argue about that. You let it go for the time being, and approached me outside of school time. You told me you're going to give me a lesson and show me how to channel my emotions and soul. I can't say I understand it even to this day, but that's beside the point. You taught me a little of Neo-Aikido and you opened up to me about your past. Truth to be told, I wasn't expecting to hear what you told me. I can't picture you as such a rascal you described yourself as.

As in many occasions, I couldn't understand or see what this all had to do with me, my past and the inevitable rest of my life in prison. Of course I couldn't, because it had nothing to do with those things. You taught me that showing emotion is not a crime. It's healthy and necessary in order to stay human.

You helped me, and didn't demand anything in return. That's too kind.

 


	6. Reason 6; My Laundry Duty Partner

TRIGGER WARNING;

Implied sexual harassment 

Panic attack 

* * *

Reason 6; My Laundry Duty Partner 

 

I used to compare everything to my life in prison. I still tend to do that, subconsciously. I realize now that it was very hard on others, and must've been very pressuring to some. And to some, who had been around when it was getting too heavy for me to handle, it must've been scary. 

Me and my laundry duty partner were ending our shift for that day. We were about done when my partner noticed that the door had got stuck somehow. I tried to knock it open, force it, but it didn't help. 

It was late, school's over for the day. Everyone's probably at the dorms already. Two people, stuck in a laundry room, with no student handbooks along and no way out. Flashbacks from prison start forcing their way from the back of my mind. Yeah, you know where I'm getting with this. 

I started panicking. And you, of all people, knew how to help me. It wasn't just an instinct, you /knew/ what to do. You saw how I started hyperventilating, 'stop it or I'll start panicking too', you said. But you realized it was serious, and you helped me through it. You told me to close my eyes and take deep breaths. You kept telling me that I'm having a panic attack, that I am safe and nothing will harm me. I wouldn't have believed I'd feel that way, but you made me feel safe with you. 

We were stuck in that laundry room for a long time before one of the school mascots found us. The entire time you kept my mind busy with whatever you were able to come up with. Riddles, stupid gossip, jokes, lies... But not all of them were lies, right? Actually, I don't want to know what were lies and what weren't. It doesn't matter what you told me, what matters is that you helped me through it. Kept me safe that whole time. 

You might not even remember that day, but I do. It means a lot to me. You could've just let it go, let me drown in my self pity, but you didn't. I respect you. When I am having bad moments, I find myself thinking back at that one moment. Thank you. 

 


	7. Reason 7; My Soundtrack

Reason 7; My Soundtrack 

 

Kaede Akamatsu, you were always the smiling one. Optimistic, cheerful, full of hope. Always there for your classmates and fellow students, you saw the good in everyone. Everyone looked up to you. I did too. You were there for everyone, without expecting anything else than a smile in return. Most times I brushed you off, telling you I'm fine and that you shouldn't worry about someone like me. I told you not to get too close, but you did anyway. Stubborn fool. 

You are a strong, wise person. But the ugly side of being strong is that no one ever asks if you are okay. 

I asked. And you put out your innermost feelings. I came to understand how such a bright spirit like yourself can also feel lost, beaten, sad. I saw how you struggled and how ignorant I had been. One's worries and struggles can't and shouldn't be belittled, no matter how small and vain they'd seem compared to one's own.

Thank you, Kaede, for telling me. You told me something so private, you showed me that you trusted a person like myself. You made me feel wanted and worth someone's trust m. You showed me that I have a friend in you.

 


	8. Reason 8; My Road to Recovery

Reason 8; My Road to Recovery

 

A picture is worth a thousand words. In my case, it tells you a little less and leaves you confused. Especially in pictures Mahiru Koizumi took. 

I had to study for a math test and the library was the best place for that. You were there, Mahiru, trying to make sense to a photography portfolio you'd been trying to assemble. I didn't think an Ultimate Photographer would need a portfolio, but you wanted to keep things in order, and you never let go of a picture you took. So, there was a lot to assemble. No way all of it would've fit in that one folder. 

I came across you and you asked for my opinion between two pictures. I ended up staying for a longer while, admiring your photos. The thing I like best in them is the smiles you capture. A photo or video lacks the feeling and emotion of the present time, but yours don't lose the magic. 

There was one picture that I couldn't ignore. It was of me, smiling. I didn't remember smiling like that, but I remembered the exact moment, the emotion of that little, fading second. You told me I could keep the photo, but I didn't want to rob you of your work. I didn't need that photo to remind me of something I feel everyday when thinking of... 

Mahiru, you captured a side of me I believed I had lost. I'm glad I saw that picture, now I know I'm not entirely a lost cause. 

 


	9. Reason 9; My Raincheck

Reason 9; My Raincheck

 

My class had raised money for a field trip abroad. Like I had expected, my prison warden did not grant me a permission to leave Japan, so I stayed at the Academy for the week. I didn't need to attend any classes, so I found myself wandering the school halls and Ultimate Labs. I became acquainted with the Ultimate Breeder, who became kind of a raincheck for me. Whenever plans got canceled, I spent time with Gundham Tanaka. 

You never call me by my name. Horned Boy is by far the best nickname I've been given. I must admit, you're a very special individual, but that's what I admire about you. You don't care about other people's thoughts or words, you live for yourself and you are and do what you want. That's something I don't have. I'm still trying to give some value for myself, and thinking of you gives me some hope, that someday I might look at myself in the mirror and think, 'hey, I'm not a total shithead after all.' 

You also taught me that every living being, no matter the size, or species, or sex, is valuable. I remember the metaphor about the praying mantis, how the female could devour the male during the mating sequence. You told me how it's just the way of the species, no matter how cruel it could feel if compared to human beings. It's a normal thing in their life. You didn't say it, but I felt like you somehow tried telling me that what I did was something that any human being could do if pushed to certain limits. Like, as if it wasn't a bigger deal than the mantis thing, and that you didn't really care about it or that you didn't think ill of me because of it. 

You made me feel like I am not a waste of space. That even if I did something wrong, ruining my life and many others', it doesn't necessarily mean I no longer matter. 

Jeez. I'll just leave it at that. Too deep for me and probably for you too. I really gotta work on that, 'put value on myself' thing.

 


	10. Reason 10; My Hope of Humanity

Reason 10; My Hope of Humanity 

 

I've known a lot of people during my short life, and some of them are less than human compared to someone I know, who isn't even a human being. 

K1-B0, you're one of the most humane beings I've had a privilege to get to know and call my friend. You are always learning of humanity, and I am sure that at the end of the day you're the most humane, the kindest being there is. 

We discussed about feelings, you wanted to know what love meant to me and what drove me to kill the mafia. I told you the truth, and you got so thoughtful, so frustratingly troubled by it all. You wanted to understand, to feel what I felt. You started imagining if it had happened to you, to your father, and you told me that even if you can tell right from wrong, that as a robot you're not allowed to harm humans, you'd rather want to avenge his death than stand by and accept it just because you're a machine, AI build by a human being. I think I understand what you mean. 

This discussion has crossed my mind almost everyday. You might've not realized it yourself, but you showed so much emotion in that short moment than some people I knew have ever. 

You're something special, Kiibo. Hold onto the humanity that's being born inside you.

 


	11. Reason 11; My Inspiration

Reason 11; My Inspiration

 

Being strong doesn't mean you have to be muscular, go to the gym every day and drink protein shakes. You don't have to be physically strong to be /strong/.

I got to know Chihiro Fujisaki during the second year. Most times I saw her with Mondo Oowada and Kiyotaka Ishimaru, but there was one time when I was on my way to buy something, I don't remember what, when I came across her in the street, staring at some rabbits in the pet shop window. 

I stopped to say hi, and before I knew it we were inside the store petting the rabbits. You told me how you wanted to have a rabbit or a hamster as a pet, in return I told you about my cat. We left the store and you asked if I wanted to get ice cream. I couldn't say no, you're just too kind and sweet of a person to decline a request from. I did wonder about why you were alone, but I didn't question it. 

So, we went to get ice cream. We talked a lot about animals as well as your Ultimate Talent. I didn't understand a lot of it, but it didn't bother me. I'd always discuss anything else rather than tennis. Or that's what I thought back then. 

Thank you for the company, Chihiro. I don't think I ever thanked you for it. You're my biggest inspiration, believe it or not. You're strong, even if you can't see it yet. You don't have to change for other people. Be what you want to be, for you. 

 


	12. Reason 12; My Beck and Call

Reason 12; My Beck and Call 

 

It was the worst time of the year. You texted me on the student handbook. 'Are you alright?' you asked as I failed to show up that morning. 'I'm not ok', I answered honestly, because there was no use lying. I was at my worst that day, I had no will to do anything. 'Meet me outside of the dorms', you answered. You ditched the classes for the day to be with me, when I was at my worst. I didn't feel like I deserved your company in such a state. 

We went for a long, long walk. We sat down on a bench in a park, underneath cherry blossom trees. We didn't talk for a while, we just sat there. It was peaceful, quiet. A perfect scene to go over the mistakes of my life.

It was getting late, so we decided to head back. Before we went our separate ways, I asked you why you ditched school to be with me. I was never the best kind of company, especially not that day. I will always remember what you said to me. You told me something that made me feel valuable. Wanted. 

'I was afraid you'd hurt yourself if you were alone today.'

Sakura Ogami, you're one of the people I've been friends with from the beginning, and you're one of the people forming my safety net. You, Aoi, Leon. Nekomaru, Akane. You all were my first step to not end my own life. 

 


	13. Reason 13; My Pain

Reason 13; My Pain 

 

This letter is going to be the most selfish of all. What I am about to write has been eating me for the past two, almost three years, and I can't go back to prison and not tell about it. I'm sorry. 

You arrived to school almost a month late. You had some unfinished case and couldn't start studying before it had come to a conclusion. I saw you first time sitting on a chair outside of the headmaster's office. You had a hat covering your face, but I saw your eyes for a split second when our eyes met. I didn't know it then that those eyes had trapped me. 

You were new to the class and befriended Kaito Momota, your roommate, on your first day. I became acquainted with you maybe after a week or so, when we first properly talked. It was during the sports day; Kaito had sent you to fetch me and replace him in our team. We had talked before that, but that day we first called each other by our names. 

Leon threw a lot of parties in our dorm room, he invited friends and made friends invite friends. Most of the times you were there too. You came either with Kaito or Rantaro, but you came. And, as unbelievable as it felt, /you/ kept me company most of the times. 

Whenever I looked over my shoulder and couldn't find Gonta there, sometimes I found /you/. You distracted me from the bad thoughts. 

'Star Boy', a song by Ibuki that was about me, and wasn't. /You/ saw through the solo. You didn't say it directly, but you implied that you knew. 

/You/ were the other person in the photo Mahiru took, the one where I was smiling. You were smiling with me. 

/You/ actually offered to stay at the Academy with me when our class traveled abroad. I called you a fool and that you should go. You couldn't waste an opportunity like that one because of someone like me. So you left. But you brought me a souvenir. It was just a box of some chocolates, but it was something special to me. 

You made me feel things I never thought I'd be able to feel again. I became confused, I tried suffocating my feelings and bury them. It was easier to handle them and try to suppress them while you were dating Rantaro Amami. It was easier, because I knew you had someone to care about you, someone better and more capable than me. Someone that doesn't have to go to prison for life, someone you wouldn't cry after and wait for. Because even if you waited, it wouldn't help. I'd still be in prison, and you'd be waiting for a dead man. And, because you're you, you wouldn't let me go and let yourself love someone else. You couldn't know my feelings, it'd ruin your life and relationship. I didn't want to leave you with such thoughts. Not that I'd think you'd ever feel for me, anyway. Why would you? Why would anyone? 

But then you weren't dating Rantaro anymore. You came in the school prom with him, but as I was leaving you came after me and offered to go with me. There you told me, or implied shyly, that you and Rantaro weren't a thing anymore. I feel so guilty of what went through my mind that second. I felt, 'schadenfreude', for it, because I knew you were single and there was a space for my feelings, but of course there wasn't. I couldn't tell you even then, because I'd hurt you. I'd rather feel those stabs for the rest of my life than let you have a share of them. I didn't want you to hurt because of me. 

I told this letter was a selfish act... I already feel horrible for this. 

We went for a walk in the city. It was a dark, early night, the stars were shining beautifully in the sky. We didn't talk that much, but your presence felt like a healing aura for me. We walked by the docks, we watched boats and how the starry sky reflected on the water. 

I hated it, I felt like I was in a fucking drama, or a bad comedy of my miserable life. My heart cried and tried to claw its way out of my chest. I didn't want that night to end. I wanted to stay in that moment forever. 

Nothing happened. We ended up at the dorms and went to sleep. That's it. Nothing happened between us. I was suffering the whole night. Every second I spent in your company after that was suffering for me. 

Shuichi Saihara. You are my pain. But it's good pain. It's good, because I know I got to feel something. I'm not a dead man yet. 

But you're also my coffee stain. And I don't want to get rid of you. I can't be with you, but I want to hold onto the feelings.

You made me feel things for you. I think I fell in love with you. I'm sorry you have to find out, and find out like this.

Thank you for everything. You were always a friend for me. It's unfair for you I have feelings like this, and that I am selfish and ignorant to tell about them. I hope you come and see me in prison, but I understand if you don't want to.

You shouldn't start making up feelings for me just because I love you. It isn't your obligation. Don't love me because I love you. You deserve someone who can be there for you every day, every night.

I'm going to bear the stain of you on my back for the rest of my life.

But if I do ever get out of prison, I'm going to go and pick up everything I've thrown away. For some it's too late, but there's still something I can reach. You made me understand that. 

 


	14. Reason 14; My Voice of Reason

TRIGGER WARNING;

Mention of planned suicide

* * *

Reason 14; My Voice of Reason

 

Rantaro wasn't going to be at the academy for the graduation ceremony, he'd be traveling again. Even for Ultimates, who didn't really need to study as long as we kept up our talent, we still needed to get good grades. Rantaro had been studying hard during the periods he was at the academy, which tend to be shorter than the periods he was away. I spent a lot of time with him whenever he had time to spare. Sometimes we studied together.

Before you left the academy for the last time, I met with you to catch up. I'd miss you. I miss you. So I needed to tell you goodbye. I'd be back to prison when you'd come back.

When we met the last time as students of the Hope's Peak, I told you that I had planned to kill myself in prison. You asked me what changed my mind. You. All of you who these letters are addressed to.

You had always been like a voice of reason for me. You gave me wise advice when I needed it and that time I truly did. You encouraged me to tell these people about how they affected my life, changed my life. I started with you; I told you how much I've come to care about you and how I am happy to be your friend. I wasn't as straightforward as in this letter, I blame my attitude. But I tell it to you now, in this letter.

I care about you Rantaro and I thank you for your care for me. I hope all the best for you. For all the people I've written for.

I hope you find your sisters, wherever they are.


	15. Reason 15; My Friend

Reason 15; My Friend

 

This is the last letter, and it's addressed to Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu.

I don't really know how to start. Maybe I'll cut to the chase and say; I wish we had met properly during our first year, so I could've become friends with you sooner.

I didn't ignore or try to avoid you because of you, rather because of your heritage. Kuzuryuu, a yakuza, didn't just seem like the best kind of company for someone like me. I am sad that it took me so long to realize that you didn't hate or despise me because of my actions. I would've wanted to get to know you, the real you. Not the yakuza, but the boy named Fuyuhiko.

When we did get a chance to talk, we talked for hours. We let our guards down, the walls that kept us separated and our pride, which held us apart. I got to see a glimpse of Fuyuhiko, and you got to see a side of me I had just discovered myself.

You told me that if I get out of prison I should look for you. You gave me a promise; if I someday got out, you'd got my back. In other words, secure me. I didn't think I'd ever need or have someone to have my back, especially a yakuza. But you didn't promise it as a yakuza or a former school mate, but as a new friend.

I apologize for not having much to say about you, but know that I appreciate the promise as well as your friendship.

 

* * *

If you've had the interest to read this far, congratulations. Now you know my 15 reasons why I don't want to kill myself. It isn't like me to get emotional, but maybe it was time to get a little bit.

I have people I care about and people who care about me, and it doesn't feel like the end of the world to go back to prison when I know all this. It doesn't feel so bad. I'll gladly live the rest of my life in prison knowing that there are people outside who are dear to me and who I can call friends and family. I have a lot of good memories I can think about, and those mean a lot in that hellhole.

Thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> 'My 15 Reasons Why Not' is also being published on my Instagram. Be sure to check out my art blog, if you're interested!  
> I'm @ rayska.arttaa on Instagram


End file.
